musings of a phoenix

Things I have learned

Sat, 20 Jul 2013 00:02:54 GMT

I posted this as advice to a friend recently, who is having problems with the whole life thing. Who doesn't from time to time? Said friend is frustrated with the drudgery that he feels life has become. Having been there, done that - I can relate. I think what I said bears saving for my own perusal.

I've discovered, as I go, a few things that are true for me. They may be true for you, or they may not; in any case, I share what I've learned.

1. The more I like myself, the less I worry about other people liking me. This isn't my 20-something rebellious "fuck you if you don't like me, world, I GOTTA BE ME!" thing; it's more that I know and like myself. I accept that I have faults. I know, more importantly, that I am *likable*. Until you like yourself, and see yourself as a good and likable person, you will always fear disappointing/being disliked by others - because the voice in your head is busy with it's litany of your weaknesses and failures. Learn to love yourself, and LIKE yourself, and that voice has much less hold over you.

2. Yeah, life is repetition. Or perhaps it's better to say patterns. There's no value judgement on a pattern until you put it there! What is drudgery to one is pleasure to another. I like to make patterns that I enjoy performing; even with things I dislike (cleaning), making them a pattern makes them less painful for me. It sounds less like you hate patterns and more like you don't like the patterns you have.

3. There are some choices we don't get to undo. Being a grownup means we have to make the best of it. I hate that I got divorced. I hate admitting that this amazing, delightful marriage I have is my second - forcing me to admit to the colossal screw-up that was my first. BUT! I focus on the fact that I got a second chance at a life with Brian. Not everyone gets that. I did! Take a look at the unchangeable things. Decide that you're in it for the long haul, and make it good.

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Fri, 17 Aug 2012 20:40:24 GMT

well, some.

I should write more. I feel better when I do. So here, my friends (ok, let's be honest, no one needs to read this for me to get anything out of it, but I like to pretend I have an audience!), is a little brain dump.

What's happened to me? That's a hard question, and it needs scope.

I grew up. I went to college. I took time off. I got married. I got diagnosed with ADHD. I got divorced. I moved back to PA. I was asleep for a while, and then I woke up. I took a huge chance and moved to TX, and it was worth it. I moved to CA. I moved back to TX. I got married.

Now? Now I'm trying to sort things out. Do I want kids? Yes, and no. Part of me is selfish, but part of me thinks the smart people need to procreate, and we're pretty smart. What do I want to be when I grow up? Project Manager, I think. Just enough technical knowledge, really good at keeping schedules and herding cats.

I love my house, and my yard, and my dog and cats, and my husband. I'm more of a hermit than I used to be, but that's ok. I'd say I'm more conservative, except that I think I'm just more honest with myself about it.

I like making things. That applies to crafts and woodwork, furniture and decorations. I've usually got something in the works at any given point. As I get older, I work on finishing them more often than I used to; I have so many things half-done.

I'm backing off of my strattera, as it seems to be at least in part causing some of my anxiety. Oh, anxiety - you've been around so long, I didn't know you weren't just part of me. Let's try and sort you out, shall we? Was it ADHD I had, or just stress from my marital issues?

One of the best things about my husband is that he encourages me to take time, check things out, and see if I can get by unmedicated, or at least *less* medicated. I'd like to make music again, and my creativity has suffered greatly on medication.

The future is unwritten, but I'm kind of excited.

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I should post more...

Wed, 11 May 2011 16:00:46 GMT

...since I keep forgetting that writing makes me happy.

On second thought, I'll have more interesting things to write about after this weekend. We're headed to New Orleans for a mini-vacation.

Things are afoot! That's all you're getting for now.

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the journey begins....

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 16:04:53 GMT

...tomorrow.

I'm starting NutriSystem. I'm tired of being fat, tired, and out of shape.

I've started taking a walk after work. I get a decent amount of sleep. I drink a lot of water. This is the last piece, and it needs to happen.

I should also write more here. FB isn't as useful for getting my thoughts out.

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Spirituality, and trying to figure out what I believe

Thu, 27 May 2010 18:12:55 GMT

Figuring out my belief system has been a vague goal of mine for the last 15 years or so. Mind, I didn't work on it all 15 years; in fact, I probably work on it less (in the active sense) than anything else I've got going on. Part of this is because figuring out what I believe is hard, part is because of my self-esteem issue.

I suppose the best place to start is where I have felt most spiritually satisfied. These places include, in no particular order:

at the beach, sitting quietly
at (Catholic) church, on Christmas Eve
at Gnostic Mass
on Star Island, sitting on East Rock and watching the sun come up
at the top of Mount Washington

So, let's see. We have nature, and ritual. Not a big surprise, really. None of that really touched on what I believe though. Let's see what we can do there:

I believe that when in doubt, life wins.
I believe in God; I believe that it's even possible for multiple Gods.
I believe that every person has to find their own path to God, if they even desire one at all. Not everyone does.
I believe that we are all responsible to live as good a life as possible, and that our actions have inescapable consequences.
Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. It's all about the choices we make, and how we deal with them.

OK, so, that's a start. Not sure where I'm going, but at least I basically know where I am.

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